Strange Snow Redux

´╗┐STRANGE SNOW REDUX

ACT I, Scene 1

Dawn. The sense of a house. A porch, a kitchen, a living room. Stairs leading to a second floor.

Megs, 20’s, enters onto the porch. He wears baggy jeans, a fishing vest and a worn Chicago Cubs baseball cap.

He looks in the window for signs of life. Nothing. He bangs on the door.

MEGS

Yoww! Rise and shine, motherfucker! It is time! Fishy-wishies waitin’ for us like bitches in heat! We are the drunkest motherfuckers on the block! Hah!?

Nothing. He comes off the porch and looks upstairs.

MEGS

Wake up, dawg, we gonna to dance on big tuna’s grave!

Nothing. He moves back to the porch. He tries the kitchen door. It’s open. He enters.

MEGS

Davey? You up or what, man? Davey? Dawg, you awake?

Lights! Martha, also 20’s, enters. She is carrying an old golf club. They see one another at the same time.

MARTHA

Ah!

She swings the club; knocking something off the wall. She chases him towards the door.

MARTHA

Stop it! Stop that noise! You stop it!

MEGS

Hey! C’mon, whatch you doin’ – hey!

MARTHA

You make one wrong move, you’ll be sorry. I know how to use this.

He grins.

MEGS

Well, hey there, baby. Nice mornin’, huh? Kinda cold for golf. Dark too. You always go golfin’ in your p.j.’s? You got mud cleats in them slippers?

She moves to the phone.

MEGS

Hey, who you callin’, baby? You’re gone wake’m up.

MARTHA

I’m calling the police.

MEGS

The police? Why you callin’ the police?

MARTHA

I suggest you run. The will come and they will arrest you.

MEGS

Now why they wanna to do that?

MARTHA

Yes, hello, is this the police?

(for Megs’ benefit)

I’d like to report a disturbance.

MEGS

Hey, come on, girl, I ain’t no disturbance. I’m a friend of Davey’s!

MARTHA

David?

MEGS

Dave Flanagan. Shit, this is his place, ain’t it?

MARTHA

David is in bed. At this hour most people are. You’d have a very good reason for making such a racquet.

MEGS

(grinning)

I wake you?

MARTHA

Of course you woke me, you scared me to death.

MEGS

You the one with the club, girl. I’m a friend a’ Davey’s.

MARTHA

I’ve never seen you before.

MEGS

Never been invited. But I’m the man. Honest.

MARTHA

Yes, hello, are you still there? Could you please send a squad car to –

MEGS

No, wait, hey, listen! You must be Davey’s sister, Martha.

MARTHA

I don’t know you!

MEGS

Well, I feel like I sure as hell I know you! Davey talked about you all the time. Said you the bomb, girl.

MARTHA

The bomb.

(a moment;into the phone)

Nevermind.

She hangs up the phone. Megs sticks a hand in.

MEGS

Willy Megessey. Everybody calls me Megs.

MARTHA

(as if it’s a bad taste)

Megs. What kind of a name is that.

MEGS

(grinning)

Only one I got. So, see, your brother and me, baby, we goin’ fishin’.

MARTHA

Fishing.

MEGS

Opening day!

MARTHA

The sun’s not even up.

MEGS

You got that right. Them trout gone be so bleary-eyed, they’ll think our nightcrawlers are the filet mignon. They’ll go for’m. Zing! – Pow! An’ you know what we gone do? We’re gonna bring’m home here and cook’m up for your dinner. What a’ you say about that?

MARTHA

That is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

MEGS

No-o, baby! It’s opening day! Luck is comin’ offa me in waves!

MARTHA

Don’t come near me, you smell like… dirt.

MEGS

No! Nightcrawlers!

He displays a plastic baggy filled with worms. She grimaces – uhhh!

MEGS

Whoa – hey, girl. You wanna come?

MARTHA

What? Where?

MEGS

Fishin’! Gotta a rainbow this long waitin’ with your name on it. M-A-R-T-H-A!

MARTHA

And that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

MEGS

Not yet! So listen, girl what say you go upstairs and give your brother a poke in the pinecones. Get his ass down here.

MARTHA

I will not. I’ll have you know I was until two in the morning correcting papers.

MEGS

Hell you was. On a Friday night?

MARTHA

Every night.

MEGS

Shit. You can’t fool me. I bet you was out howlin’ at the moon! I bet you got home five minutes ago and threw on that robe to fuck with me!

MARTHA

That is — nonsense!

MEGS

You blushin’, baby!

MARTHA

Be quiet!

MEGS

Openin’ day, girl!

He grabs her up and dances her around the furniture.

MEGS

I like big butts, no, I cannot lie – you other brothers can’t deny! When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung – !

MARTHA

Stop! You can’t just – I hardly know – – Stop it!

He pushes Martha into a chair and ends up on top of her.

MEGS

Baby, you gotta stop teasin’ me like this.

He rises. She leaps up.

MEGS

So you think that bad dawg’s up yet?

MARTHA

Willy…

MEGS

(surprised)

Will-y?

MARTHA

David did not remembered he made a date to go fishing with you.

MEGS

Come on, girl, opening day.

MARTHA

He wasn’t home when I went to bed at two.

MEGS

Nah, he musta remembered.

(Yelling upstairs)

C’mon dawg! I got these damn rubber waders for ya in the car! Not only do they keep your pants dry, they’ll keep you from gettin’ pregnant!

(Then:)

You know, it’s good to meet you, Martha. Your bro talked ’bout you all the time. Honest now, he ever talk about me to you?

MARTHA

I’d remember if he had.

MEGS

(grinning)

Got that right, baby. I’m unforgettable.

(Then, as she yawns)

Hey, am I keepin’ you up?! Shit. I am. Don’t you bother bein’ polite. Go. Go back to bed. I’ll sit right here. I’m cool. I’ll wait. I’m cool.

He sits. He “waits” – murmuring his big butts song. Pause.

MARTHA

All right. I’ll tell him you’re here. He won’t like it. He hates being woken up.

MEGS

Me too. I throw alarm clocks though windows. Go now. Go on.

Pause. She turns and comes back with the intention of asking Megs to leave.

MARTHA

I’m not going to do it. He’ll take it out on me the rest of the day –

There is the sound of a toilet flushing upstairs. Megs leaps up.

MEGS

Whoa! Something flushin’ down the drain. Let’s hope it’s not last night’s dinner.

(calling)

Bout time, motherfucker! Let’s move it! I’m borin’ your poor sister to death!

MARTHA

Why don’t I get coffee on. You’ll probably both need it.

MEGS

I’m fine, girl.

MARTHA

Let me put it this way. David is going to need it.

MEGS

Now don’t you go to any trouble.

MARTHA

I assure you, I won’t. I’m up. I’m an early riser.

She moves to the kitchen. He follows.

MEGS

Know something? Me too. Up With the dumptrucks every day.

Martha prepares coffee.

MEGS

All right, baby, tell you what. You do coffee – and then I will get that man outa here. I got food and drink in the car. Oh, yeah. I planned ahead. We gonna eat better’n turkeybirds on the first of November. Ozmozis, see –

MARTHA

Osmosis?

MEGS

– exactly – them trout gonna feel it in the air we are fat and happy and they’re gone be so jealous they be chompin’ on air bubbles. Hey! Lookie here, look at this, girl.

He takes what looks like a large, brightly colored dustball from his pocket. He puts it ceremoniously on the table.

MARTHA

What is it?

MEGS

It’s a fly. Tied it myself. Whatcha think?

MARTHA

It’s colorful.

MEGS

It is that. Either give a fish a hard on or scare’m to death. Lotta hair and all of it all over the place. Sorta like you, baby.

MARTHA

(hands going to her hair)

What? Oh… it’s a mess, isn’t it.

MEGS

No, Martha. It’s fine… it’s just fine…

(a moment)

Wonder what’s keepin’ that dickhead. Think I oughta go stick a foot up his ass?

MARTHA

I… don’t think that would be a good idea. Willy… there are beercans in the wastebasket. Discards. From last night. Before David went out.

He nudges the wastebasket. Cans rattle.

MEGS

Whoo. That’s a shitload a beercans. Last night, huh? Shit. He forgot, didn’t he.

MARTHA

I’m afraid so.

MEGS

Yeah. Well. Okay. My fault. My mistake. I make’m.

He starts towards the door.

MARTHA

Willy –

MEGS

No! The man is busy, he’s busy. I’m busy. Who has time for fishin’. I don’t.

(Then:)

Hey, fine to meet you, Martha. I’m sorry I woke you up. I’ll let my own self out.

He starts to exit.

MARTHA

Willy, wait. He… he’s had hangovers before.

(and then:)

DAVID!? DAVID! GET UP THIS MINUTE! YOU’RE GOING FISHING!

MEGS

Whoa, girl! You think he heard?

MARTHA

I’m sure the whole neighborhood did.

MEGS

You hear that? Get y’ ass in gear, motherfucker! Put a double knot in your dick and get your butt down here. We gonna catch a trout for Martha’s dinner!

MARTHA

You’ve got to catch a trout for my dinner!

MEGS

You like trout, do ya?

MARTHA

I’ve never had them.

MEGS

Well, I’ve never caught’m but there’s a first time for everything.

MARTHA

I’m sure there’s a recipe in one of my cookbooks.

MEGS

You fry’m, girl! You dump’m in corn flower, throw’m some bacon grease and they come out brown and tasty!

MARTHA

If you catch them – and clean them – I’ll cook them.

MEGS

Ho! You on, Martha! There’s one sittin’ under a log waitin’ and you know what? Got your name on it. M – A – R – T – H – A! – right across the rainbow.

He sweeps her up and they dance again.

MEGS

Somewhere… over the rainbow… birds fly and fly… birdies fly… Over the rainbow… why, why, why, why, why…

MARTHA

Willy, stop! Put me down… you can’t… I don’t… oh!

And she breaks into helpless giggles. Dave enters. He is in boxer shorts and is horribly hung over. Martha and Megs stop at the sight of him.

DAVID

What in hell is goin’ on?

MEGS

Whoa! You are up! Look at you! Where did you ever get them baggy diapers, boy!?

DAVID

What do you two think you’re doing?

MARTHA

You and Willy are going fishing, David.

DAVID

You’re out of your mind.

MEGS

It’s opening day, dawg.

DAVID

Fuck that.

MEGS

Fuck, no.

DAVID

Fuck, yeah.

He moves to the kitchen. To the refrigerator.

MARTHA

David, you made a date to go fishing. Willy has the car loaded and ready to go.

DAVID

Willy?

MEGS

I am he. C’mon, man, I got beer, sandwiches. Gonna be fun.

DAVID

Did we plan this?

MEGS

Sure did. Last week! McDonald’s, dawg. How you been, I said. Good, you said. Oughta get together, I said. Fine, you said. Fishing, I said, opening day. Well, guess what today is, man.

DAVID

I thought fishing season was in the fall.

MEGS

No, that’s huntin’, baby – we do that too when the time comes. Opening day, my brothuh!

DAVID

I can’t.

MEGS

C’mon, man, opening day.

DAVE

Sorry.

MEGS

Rainbows this long.

DAVID

Not up to it.

MEGS

Sure you are, man. Big ol’ nightcrawler on a hook? That’ll perk you up. I got one here so big them motherfuckers’ll have to be careful he don’t eat them.

And he proudly displays one to David who immediately fights not to heave.

DAVID

Yechhh.

MARTHA

Go take a shower, David. You’ll feel better.

DAVID

I told you, I’m passing.

MARTHA

You’re doing no such thing. Shower and get dressed. I’ll make breakfast for you both.

DAVID

I don’t want to go fishing, Martha.

MARTHA

You’re going.

DAVID

I don’t want to go fishing!

MARTHA

David, I want a trout. Fried in corn flower. There’s one waiting with my name on it.

MEGS

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. C’mon, high school. There’s frost in the air, some fuckin’ strange snow on the ground. The trout streams’re gurgling – they singin’. Know what they singin’? Wake up, Davie. It’s time — it’s time. Openin’ day with your old buddy, Megs.

(Starting to sing)

Cause you a soul man! You a soul man!

He circles David. He keeps up his noise until –

DAVID

Megs… I… I don’t… aaahhhh! Okay!!

(turning away)

Shit! I must be fuckin’ crazy.

MEGS

Never doubted it.

DAVID

I’m sleeping in the car.

MEGS

You sleep, I’ll drive. Hey! You the man! Don’t you ever forget that.

DAVID

God.

He exits.

MARTHA

He didn’t look very beautiful to me. Not in that baggy underwear of his.

MEGS

Girl? You too much, you know that? He was not gonna go, you talked him into it.

MARTHA

I didn’t talk him into anything.

MEGS

(a touch)

Shit. I saw.

MARTHA

(freezing at his touch; coldly)

I was making coffee.

She enters the kitchen. He follows.

MEGS

Hey, y’know, Martha, instant’s fine with me. I drink so much instant my stomach’s freeze dried.

MARTHA

Mmm. You’ll have to make do with whole beans fresh ground.

MEGS

Ground? We’ll go for it! I’ll pretend I fell asleep, woke up at Dunkin’ Donuts. Hey, you got milk?

He moves to the fridge and opens it.

MARTHA

What? Yes, of course, I’ve got milk.

MEGS

Thank God for that. Powdered creamer? I hate that shit. It tastes like powdered rat balls to me.

MARTHA

Well, that was creative.

MEGS

Huh? Oh, man, listen to me talk, huh? My momma was here, she’d be washin’ my mouth out as far down as my tonsils. Talk like a human being in front of a lady, you dumb motherfucker!

MARTHA

A lady? Well, that’s quaint. Besides, I’m used to it. I teach high school students. Mouths like toilets – especially the ladies.

MEGS

You kick’m upside the head. That’ll teach’m.

MARTHA

Mmm. They would undoubtably kick back.

MARTHA

Oh, yeah? Well, you got problems, you let me know. Cause one thing I can do, Martha, it’s put the fear of untimely death into a buncha punks. Shit. Oughta be bringin’ you apples and candy and havin’ crushes on you and shit.

Martha

That’ll be the day.

(Then:)

You must have been a delightful student.

MEGS

Me? No! I specialized in fights and smokin’ dope in the lavatories. I’da driven you crazy.

MARTHA

I doubt it. I’ve developed a high threshold of pain.

MEGS

No, I woulda. I could never keep my mouth shut. I’d talk back to Lord Jesus if I had to. I have!

(then:)

Hey, what about you, girl, I bet you was a hell of a student!

MARTHA

Yes, I was. I was mad for it.

MEGS

Get the fuck out.

MARTHA

I loved to study. Straight A’s in every subject.

MEGS

Shit. It must be great to be so smart.

MARTHA

It is.

MEGS

I was dumber’n paint. But I woulda brought you apples and candy, girl, you can bet your big back porch on that.

And without thinking, he sweats her on the rump. She freezes.

MEGS

What?

MARTHA

What would you like for breakfast?

MEGS

Hey, anything. Everything. My eyes be bigger’n basketballs, they ain’t bigger’n my stomach.

MARTHA

I like pancakes on Saturday mornings.

MEGS

Girl, you give me pancakes and Tele-Tubbies on TV and Saturday mornings are complete.

MARTHA

I like sausage too.

MEGS

Sausage goes good with pancakes.

MARTHA

You’ll have that then?

MEGS

Sausage and pancakes?

MARTHA

Would you rather eggs?

MEGS

Hey, how about the whole nine yards?

MARTHA

Why didn’t I think of that.

MEGS

And you know what we’ll have to go with it? Beer! I got a couple of cases in the car.

MARTHA

For breakfast?

MEGS

Breakfast beer, baby. Best kind. Girl, ain’t you ever had a beer for breakfast?

MARTHA

This might come as a shock to you but there are those of us who have never had a beer.

MEGS

Get the fuck out. Girl, you in for a treat. You sip on a breakfast beer, first thing you know, the cobwebs go, your voices rises like Michael Jackson and a fire burns inside you. I’ll go get us some!

He heads for the door.

MARTHA

Willy, wait, I hard…

But he’s gone.

MARTHA

… all right.

She begins to take things from the refrigerator.